So, in Feb 2019, I stopped working out. I took a week off and justified it as such. I was burnt out. It was a crash and burn. Plain and simple. Running a business, coaching Crossfit, teaching, mentoring other PTs and students, family, relationships, marriage, fitness, self… I was done. And then that week off turned into a few weeks off and then really only sporadic workouts here and there…
with a certain friend…
when it worked out …
when it looked fun...
when it was in my wheelhouse…
I was not in a space to WOD alone or to ‘work on my weaknesses’ as I often tell my patients and gym members to do. I sarcastically called myself a ‘mentally weak’ athlete… and, well, maybe that is true. But, in trying to be kind to myself as I reflect on this (one of many low points I’ve experienced in my mental health history), I want to recognize that I needed more than anything to NOT have that sort of judgement on myself. Because we all know that no one judges a person harder than themselves.
I knew I needed to work out in order to feel like working out, but I just didn’t care. And this went on and on. Sometimes improving and sometimes getting worse. This is a cycle we all know … we see it with our patients, we see it in our parents or our spouses. Our friends… we see it in our communities. I don’t want to work out now because it isn’t going to feel good. And I don’t feel good because I’m not working out. Moreover, I’m not feeling good physically, mentally, or emotionally… And I seriously don’t want to work out because I won’t be as good at Crossfit as I SHOULD be.
Barf! I absolutely hate admitting to these thoughts!
“I don’t want to work out now because it isn’t going to feel good. And I don’t feel good because I’m not working out.”
This has been the reality of 2019 for me. And though on the outside it looks like I have my shit together, I do not, in fact, have any shit together. And its real. And its hard. And its scary. And its defeating. And its exhausting. And its lonely. I sometimes have what I call an out of body experience and watch myself, wondering if I am the ONLY person who feels this way. Overwhelmed, misunderstood, not good enough …
So much counseling. So much vitamin D. So much conversation with myself and friends. So much time on the couch. So much Netflix. So much wine. So much self-disgust. Ugh - it feels enormous and permanent when you’re in it. Is it my personality? Is it because I am sensitive? Because I’m a woman? My upbringing? My community? All of it? Sadly, it feels worse when everyone is saying you’re going to feel better if you just work out.
And then the Open shows up. Again. Didn’t we just do this????? UGH.
Eventually, the goal each day just becomes to show up. But, here’s the irony of that… I ALWAYS show up for others. Work never slips. My employees, my patients, my students, my athletes, most of my friends … they all get the best of me. My husband, my best friend … they get the shit and the stormy outbursts. But, as for myself? I get the worst of it. And yet, I couldn’t get to a point where I wanted to make a change that would make me feel better.
As I work more and more with people on starting their own business and feel the eyes of others on me more and more, I realize its really important for me to be transparent and say, I DO NOT HAVE MY SHIT TOGETHER! And, that’s ok. And, I don’t expect YOU to have your shit together either. More on that another time. For now, I want to talk about my decision to not participate in the Crossfit Open 2020.
Nope. I’m not doing the Open this year. First time in 10 seasons. This would have been my 11th Open. Ending on 10 feels ok. I already did this in 2019. And, you know? … this isn’t what I need or want in my life this season. Many different reasons why and I know that I don’t need an excuse… and really these aren’t excuses … but I feel like the decision not to participate (as a Crossfit Coach, long-term Crossfit athlete and as a health care provider who promotes this type of fitness as important to my patients) deserves some attention and perhaps these words will resonate with someone else who struggled with the decision to participate or not…
“I feel like the decision not to participate deserves some attention and perhaps these words will resonate with someone else who struggled with the decision to participate or not”
Yes, the Open is amazing and only a test of your current fitness. And I LOVE watching our Crossfit members and patients challenge themselves and participate. I love coaching and judging in the Open. I love tracking the scores and watching the WODs! I love Friday Night Lights!
And, yes, I know it doesn’t represent who you are as a person and shouldn’t be a source of stress. But for me… it is. It has been for many years.
It used to be fun. Before there was a scaled version, I would work my ass off for ONE chest-to-bar! And it was exciting to get that ONE. It was about reaching new heights!
Then, I got better. I was getting “good scores” in the Open. I went to Regionals on a team one year. Then, I started coaching. I opened a business where we treat Crossfit athletes. And over time, the pressure to perform and be better mounted … I felt that I needed to come up with a reason why I wasn’t as good as I should be because I felt my performance slipping: age, injury, “I’m really just a dancer”… anything that I could say to help my case!! But, the truth is that no one cared more than me.
Side-note: the humblebrag
I hope that we can all start to make an effort to stop doing the HUMBLEBRAG thing during the Open. I 10,000% understand the concept of feeling like you’ve let yourself down when these workouts don’t go the way we want them to. But, too many times, the expectation of what we think we should be able to do or what we think others expect us to be able to do dilutes the amazing work we ARE able to do. Comments like, “ugh not a great score but at east I got Rx” can be hard for athletes who in fact thought you did great and saw you work as hard as you could and maybe themselves strive to be Rx some day.
Being disappointed in yourself is one thing but, let’s try to remember that there is always someone that looks up to YOU as an athlete. When you say that you got a “poor score” consider how those comments may affect others. Perhaps we can change phrasing like “eh, I got a really shitty score” to, “I was hoping for ____ but I worked as hard as I could”. Comments like this become contagious. If you worked really hard but think you aren’t good enough, now you SAY you aren’t good enough and now someone else who thought you were amazing, has a new perspective or expectation…
I know I do the same … and this year I don’t want to.
So because of allllllll of this, this year, I decided to make the decision for MYSELF to not compete in the Open. I cannot really tell you why distinctly, but there are things I’m going to give myself a little grace over this year. A big one is my mental health!
my mental health
For eight months I have been feeling shitty. I recently told my counselor that I was “pissed that I wasn’t mentally strong enough to be anorexic like I used to be.” (YIKES!) I am just barely returning to the gym and only because I am focusing on Olympic lifting exclusively. My workouts are palatable and when I feel like it, I do a WOD. I am working with my counselor and a psychiatrist… and taking antidepressants. I use a happy light in the mornings. I take lots of vitamins. I am open with people about my struggle. I allow myself to watch Netflix and sleep a little extra when I feel like it. I know that the more I put myself down, the more I will not be able to pull out of this.
The fact that I felt like it wasn’t okay for me to not do the Open, is indeed a HUGE reason why I don’t want to. Its not important to me. Honestly, its good that its not important to me. Maybe I can heal from all of this and take on the Open for what it is without all the pressure down the road.
You see, I grew up caring WAY TOO MUCH what others thought about me. And now, at 37, I still feel that. But also, that’s not my fault - that is a product of my upbringing and the culture I live in. I get that now. And I am working on healing from that. That means I have become a shameless feminist and #ladyboss. That means I do my best to lift others up. That means I want to support others who feel the same way I do. And that means I try not to put myself in situations where those emotions of caring about what other folks think are hot for me (even if they are not based on a person’s real perception of me).
“What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think – or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?”
-Brené Brown
To build on this … I own a business and am trying to balance that with the rest of of my life. Hot damn, owning a business is hard. Did I somehow think it was going to be easy? What is wrong with me? Why did I think this was a good idea?? UGH!!!!
No, no- its amazing, but its hard! And honestly, I think its harder for women. I have been networking and mentoring female business owners a lot lately, and there truly are a lot of variables that are important to consider. We talk about mental health a lot and balancing all of our expectations, worries, commitments, etc. And really, we remind each other to listen to Taylor’s new song song!! My anthem.
Check out this video for more of my opinion on this topic:
So …. just trying to do a little self care as we wrap up 2019!
Just so happens that all of this self-care and self work is happening during the Open 2020!!
oh well!!!?!?
I truly hope that in writing this, I can help move the needle just a tad more forward in helping to remove the many stigmas surrounding mental health and admitting that mental health is affecting one’s ability to be happy in this life. It most certainly is affecting my relationship with exercise … And, not doing the Open is the right choice for me this year. You know what? It feels good and I have been met with nothing but support in fact.